i'm sitting in this 4 star hotel in rotterdam right now. the journey up to here was quite eventfull. it started off with the fact that the travel agents in bombay did not send my passport n cdc in time. i had to go to the courier guy myself n get it from him, otherwise i would have missed my flight.

that done, got to the airport somehow, had to spend 1 n half hrs standin in various lines. by the time all this was done, was quite pissed. had another hour to kill before the flight.. so went to this only bar in bombay airport which allows smoking. sat down there to have a couple of drinks, called up some one i like a lot..( not in that sense) she is a good friend, atleast i think so. ended up having a fight with her and said somethings that i probably.. may be probably should not have said. she is also one item, she had to go ahead n swear at me. i try to find some reconciliation, and as soon as i try to bring up what went wrong, all she can think of doing is nail my ass to the wall! sometimes i think does she even realize why i keep bringing that guy up?? she definitely does not. because she thinks what happened was entirely my fault. in there is one saying "jarurat me koi apna agar sath chod ke jaye to wo apna nahi hota" i know i had a serious problem back then, i was actually cryin out for help, but all i got was humiliation instead. she was too busy with her friend to pay attention to me. i even talked to her about it, she was very understanding that day, but come the next evening and again the same old story, i was alone again, i mean i was not literally alone. i had my girlfriend and my friends with me, but still i felt alone, cold.. my girlfriend flirtin with another guy right in front of me. she must have kissed this guy on the cheek atleast 20 times when i was there, but i hardly managed 5. in the first week we spent a total of 4 hours alone together.. 2 lunches and one dinner.
the only thing that i found comforting when i found myself alone was to drink. it used to be hours before some one even noticed that i was not in the party. then i was shunned n frowened upon for having left without tellin anyone, yes!! she was upset because i did not tell her that i am leaving, not because i was leaving. it was taken for granted that i am supposed to go n drink alone. no body gave a thought as to why i do that.. no body even my then girlfriend wanted to waste any precious time talkin to me about the problems i might be facing.

by the end of this week, both of us had given up. i think she had given up even before i came to meet her. the first thing she said to me when i got out of the cab, seein her after 2 months is "its surprising that you dont smell of beer!!" i was and still am expected to be an alcoholic.. there is nothing else i can do in life other than drink my ass off and whine my life away!! even this blog is gonna be said to be whining, i wanted to say these things to her personally, but i think that is better left off now.

she later tried very hard to make my trip worthwhile.. she made all the material efforts, planned an entire trip to malyasia.. i do appriciate that, but even there she was mentally not with me, she was somewhere else.. my behaviour was also deteriorating day by day.. i had lost all hope by this time.. and rightly so, because nobody was tryin..

story of my life uhh!!! any ways..i'm ok now.. hopefully i will move ahead in life!! with someone cursin me all the time, its gonna be quite difficult i must say, but nothin has come easy to me so far..