i'm sitting in this 4 star hotel in rotterdam right now. the journey up to here was quite eventfull. it started off with the fact that the travel agents in bombay did not send my passport n cdc in time. i had to go to the courier guy myself n get it from him, otherwise i would have missed my flight.

that done, got to the airport somehow, had to spend 1 n half hrs standin in various lines. by the time all this was done, was quite pissed. had another hour to kill before the flight.. so went to this only bar in bombay airport which allows smoking. sat down there to have a couple of drinks, called up some one i like a lot..( not in that sense) she is a good friend, atleast i think so. ended up having a fight with her and said somethings that i probably.. may be probably should not have said. she is also one item, she had to go ahead n swear at me. i try to find some reconciliation, and as soon as i try to bring up what went wrong, all she can think of doing is nail my ass to the wall! sometimes i think does she even realize why i keep bringing that guy up?? she definitely does not. because she thinks what happened was entirely my fault. in there is one saying "jarurat me koi apna agar sath chod ke jaye to wo apna nahi hota" i know i had a serious problem back then, i was actually cryin out for help, but all i got was humiliation instead. she was too busy with her friend to pay attention to me. i even talked to her about it, she was very understanding that day, but come the next evening and again the same old story, i was alone again, i mean i was not literally alone. i had my girlfriend and my friends with me, but still i felt alone, cold.. my girlfriend flirtin with another guy right in front of me. she must have kissed this guy on the cheek atleast 20 times when i was there, but i hardly managed 5. in the first week we spent a total of 4 hours alone together.. 2 lunches and one dinner.
the only thing that i found comforting when i found myself alone was to drink. it used to be hours before some one even noticed that i was not in the party. then i was shunned n frowened upon for having left without tellin anyone, yes!! she was upset because i did not tell her that i am leaving, not because i was leaving. it was taken for granted that i am supposed to go n drink alone. no body gave a thought as to why i do that.. no body even my then girlfriend wanted to waste any precious time talkin to me about the problems i might be facing.

by the end of this week, both of us had given up. i think she had given up even before i came to meet her. the first thing she said to me when i got out of the cab, seein her after 2 months is "its surprising that you dont smell of beer!!" i was and still am expected to be an alcoholic.. there is nothing else i can do in life other than drink my ass off and whine my life away!! even this blog is gonna be said to be whining, i wanted to say these things to her personally, but i think that is better left off now.

she later tried very hard to make my trip worthwhile.. she made all the material efforts, planned an entire trip to malyasia.. i do appriciate that, but even there she was mentally not with me, she was somewhere else.. my behaviour was also deteriorating day by day.. i had lost all hope by this time.. and rightly so, because nobody was tryin..

story of my life uhh!!! any ways..i'm ok now.. hopefully i will move ahead in life!! with someone cursin me all the time, its gonna be quite difficult i must say, but nothin has come easy to me so far..

went to simha gadh (near pune) over the week end. what an awesome place. my 2 nephews made it even more special. they know more history than i do. surprisingly i feel good about it. it never felt so good to not know something. in any other situation i would be rippin my hair off..

i sat on a camel with pranav.. awesome fun. these guys are so soo happy about such small things. i mean they go apeshit over BUBBLES!! i know its fun.. they fly n u can pop them.. i wish i could be as happy as these guys about anything.. i just wish i was their age again..

a little bit of history that i learnt:
this fort was conquered by shivaji's legendary army chief Tanaji Malusare
this fellow weighed 175 kilos, was 6' 4" in height, had a chest 58 inches wide and a heart of a lion!! thats why the name simha gadh.. (lion's fort)
his sword alone weighed a whooping 35 kgs. imagine the strength n honour in the grip holdin that sword!!
these 600 maratha warriors scaled 1200 feet of almost vertical sayhadri mountains just to get to their battle field!!
Tanaji single handedly killed an amazing 350 rajput fighters before his arm was chopped off. then he went on to kill another 50 of those suckers before he finally laid down to rest in peace... the rajputs r not that easy to get by!!
the keeper of this perticular fort was uday bhan singh. he was so huge in size they say, he could eat 20 kilos of mutton for one single meal. this is just 350 yrs ago!!
when tanaji was layin there, in his own. as well as his enemie's blood.. uday bhan singh came n kicked his body.. at this point tanaji"s 80 year old uncle (also a maratha warrior)... challenged uday bhan singh and finally slashed him to pieces and put him in the dust!! an 80 yr old could do that!!

it is because of this historic victory that those fucking moghul bastards could not get past maharashtra and in to the south of india.. this is the foundation laid by shivaji for HIND SWARAJ!! really feel proud to be born in this land!!

if you had this story narrated to you, on location, by one of these maratha descendents.. it would make the hair on the back of your neck stand up!!
much before the british came to india, shivaji had a very well organised and very advanced naval force.

very few people know this, the worst thing is that people who dont know this, still dont care about it..

you wont belive what happened today, even my amma n pappa did not belive it. me n 2 of my kindergarten bros went havin a few beers at this local bar that we always go to. 3 beers down, one sone of a gun comes up to me, pokes me in my chest n says " tula phar ahankhar ahe swatacha" no mater how i translate it, it still wont do justice to the word "ahankhar".. any ways.. basically it means that "i think i'm better than others"

next thing, the 2 bros of mine stood up n asked this guy, what was his problem?? he quitely n humbly walked away, still lookin at me on his way back!! these 2 bhai log, got pissed off, went n kicked the livin daylights outa him. turns out, he is the son of a local social worker...

just came back from the police stn!!! phew!!.... that ganda gave me somethin to think about....!!

Just want my life back!!

another horrible thing happened to me today, just gonna let it out..

just imagie, i'm driving.. put my hand out to flick ash off my ciggerate..and my 24 k gold ring almost 15 gms went right off my index finger.. no idea how.. the ring was a bit loose but never thought it would happen like this.. irony of the matter is that this is my 2nd such ring that i lost. not important how i lost the first one... its just that i m loosin my family gold that is bothering me so much.. i am definitely doin somethin wrong.. something is terribaly wrong..

some thing is wrong with my life n i'm gonna fix it this time. 'nough said!!

i never thought a few words can outrage me so much. i had no i dea that i had so much anger pent up inside me. why i dont know. may be being this outright honest is not good sometimes.. i might end up hurtin someone, i dont think that happens though..
contrary to what everyone might think, i was surprised to find out that i could do stupid things even when i am not drunk.

i always thought that if i get my alcohol n ciggerates under control, my life would finally be ok, but it is still shit. my parents are not happy, hell nobody is happy.. so much for growin up n tryin to be a good guy..

well.. i had almost forgotten i had this blog running, sorry for that. not that there's anyone reading it anyways.. but just for the heck of it. let me try to revive it a little bit. it is goin to be quite difficult considering my proffesion, still i can try.